Chapter 20: Queen of the Stone Age

I'm posting a day early this week since I will be too busy tomorrow getting ready for the holiday weekend. I'm sure you don't mind. Have a great holiday everyone!

Next week I will resume the one chapter a week schedule.

See sidebar for previous chapters.



I pulled into a small park on the north side of town and parked my Jeep next to a couple of green tin garbage cans. There were two college students out enjoying the day by tossing a Frisbee to a Jack Russell Terrier while several sorority girls danced around on the jungle gym like something from a fanboy fantasy.

I dredged my cell phone out of my pocket and flipped it open. The view screen was half filled with an amorphous bubble of river water, but surprisingly the damn thing still worked. I scrolled through, found Sarah's number, and hit 'Send.'

"Daniel? Hi, sweetie! I was worried about you. Is everything okay?"

"No. I need your help." Cerberus hopped out of the Jeep and started sniffing around the garbage cans. He leaned over the edge of one and poked his head inside, his head barely fitting inside the opening. The Jack Russell off in the distance dropped the Frisbee and started howling at us. The two guys with the dog tried to calm him but it kept snapping at them every time they tried to pick him up.

"Oh God, what's wrong? You're not in jail are you?"

I ignored the question. "Darby sold the box on eBay last night."

The phone was silent for a moment. "I'm sorry, Daniel. I don't think I heard you correctly."

"Yes, Sarah, you did. Bitch auctioned it up to the highest bidder. Which, incidentally, wasn't me."

"Well who was it?" she asked. Cerberus yanked his head out of the garbage can, knocking it over onto the gravel drive. The dog worked his nose in the air then shot his attention straight up to a small jet passing overhead. What was it with this dog and planes?

"Yeah, I kind of trashed the computer before I had a chance to find out."

"Trashed the comp… Daniel, you don't sound very well."

"Really?" It always unnerved me how women could hear things in people's voices, subtle changes in inflection or tone that gave them a wealth of knowledge that men just simply weren't privy to. And being that it was Sarah, she could probably tell something was off just by the sound of my breathing.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Christ, what didn't? I puked on a man the size of a post office, then he put me down for a nap inside the trunk of his car. Darby tried to literally tear my face off, I had to pull a Houdini act out of the Wabash River with the help of a couple of stoner Samaritans, and was then pieced back together by a farm girl who practices medicine out of her apartment. Oh, and that was all after having to sit through an entire set by the Bowling Zygotes."

"But you only left twenty-four hours ago!"

I ran my tongue along a chip in my tooth. "Yeah, I live a charmed life. So, you think you can help me find out who bought it?"

"I'll try, sweetie." I could hear her heading up the stairs into her office.

I watched the two guys with the Jack Russell trying to calm it down as it yelped and squeaked at Cerberus. The girls fooling around on the swing sets pointed at him as he knocked the trash can over and shoved his head inside.

There was the dull clicking of tapped keys and then she said, "Okay, Daniel. What did she list it under?"

"Asher Family Heirloom."

More key taps. "Got it. Hold on while I check."

Cerberus was burrowed up to his shoulders in the garbage can again. But this time when he tried to pull his head out, the can stuck. The dog started to thrash, trying to throw the can off of his shoulders but it just sliced across the gravel, leaving dark gashes on the ground. He stopped and stood up with the garbage can still around his head, sticking out like the chimney of a steamship.

I walked over and helped him pull it off. Once his head was free, he barked, licked his lips, and started rifling through the garbage that was now spilled across the ground.

"No wonder your breath smells so bad."

"What's that, Daniel?"

"Nothing, I was talking to the dog. You find anything yet?"

Sarah made a weird noise as she sucked air through her teeth. "I found the handle of the person who bought it. I'm just now pulling up their personal info."

Cerberus had found the inner tube of an old bicycle tire and was chewing on it like it was a stick of gum. I righted the can and started tossing the garbage back inside. The dog took his prize back over to the Jeep, lay down on his haunches, and started tearing into the rubber with all the zeal of a jackal on a dead antelope.

"You'll never guess what this dog is eating now. A bike tire. You believe that? If I'd known I could have fed it garbage I wouldn't have bothered to buy it-"

"Daniel."

"Yeah?" There was silence for a moment. I shoved a finger in my ear and pressed the phone harder against the other. I couldn't hear her breathing. "Sarah? Sarah, are you there? Sar-"

"You have to get it back, Daniel."

"Yeah, I know I do. So tell me, who bought it, Sarah?"

"A man named Felix Romanov."

"I take it he's one of those bad guys you warned me about."

Sarah took in a deep breath then exhaled. "Felix? No, he's a weasel I could snap like a twig if only he had a spine. But I know the person he works for."

"And he's a bad guy?"

"No, Daniel, not a bad guy," she said. "The baddest guy."

I didn't know exactly what I was expecting. In a way, I guess I was hoping that it was just some loner with a serial killer fetish looking for souvenirs. At least then I knew I'd have little problem getting it back. But when Sarah started going all day player on me, I got a little nervous. "All right, who is he?"

"Not a he, a she. Eunice Deveroux."

"Eunice? What, is she like a hundred or something?" I asked.

"And seventeen. Now be quiet and listen."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," I said. "You want me to get all worked up over some prehistoric biddy named Eunice?"

"Goddamit Dingo, do not fuck around with this!"

Cerberus lifted his head from his toy and stared at me, the inner tube dangling from his mouth like a dead snake. There were two things Sarah said that instantly put me on edge. First, she cursed. I've seen her angry before, but only to the point where she'd blurt out a 'darn' or maybe even a virulent 'crap.' But nothing ever as potent as 'fuck.' But second, and infinitely more disturbing, was the fact that she called me 'Dingo.'

I massaged the inside of my ear and put the receiver back to the side of my head. "All right, Eunice is bad. I get it."

"No, you don't. She isn't bad, Daniel. Rapists are bad. Murderers are bad. Cancer is bad. Eunice is evil."

I didn't want to dwell on what could possibly make sex offenders and wasting diseases merely 'bad' compared to some bint born during the frikkin' Cleveland administration. Well, at least it was nice to have it so plainly spelled out for me. "Ahhh, puke. Why couldn't I have been born into a normal family?"

"Charmed life, remember?"

I snorted into the phone. "Where do I find her?"

"I don't know," she said. "She isn't one to stay still for very long. The last I heard she was in Buenos Aires, but that was years ago. Let me make a call and find out where she is now."

If I was having this much trouble in Terre Haute, I would be as good as dead outside the country. I wondered if my passport was still good. "Who are you going to call?"

"Her great-granddaughter. We went to grade school together." The phone clicked and she was gone.

Cerberus had turned most of the inner tube into wet, foamy shreds. He held down one half with his melon-sized paws and dragged the other through his teeth. The rubber would snap back against the gravel, kicking up little clouds of dust.

"You aren't much of a Frisbee dog are you?"

Chomp. Rip. Snap!

Chomp. Rip. Snap!

"No, suppose not."

The Jack Russell and his two handlers were making way for a guy and his Rottweiler strolling through the park. The guy with the Rott was inked out, wearing boots, jean shorts, and an old-school Megadeth concert Tee with the sleeves cut off. The Rottweiler was thick and its head was twice the size of its owner's. And that was saying something. Hell, if it wasn't for the fact that I'd been with Cerberus for the past week, the Rott would have made me nervous. Now, it just looked cute in comparison.

The Jack Russell duo pulled their dog away while the Rott strained against its leash trying to get at it. The inked guy had to dig his heels in to keep his dog from getting away and mauling everyone in the park. Once he got his dog under control, he walked it straight towards me.
I was leaning against the Jeep when he came up and tossed an empty cigarette pack in the garbage can. His Rott caught Cerberus' scent and starting going bat-shit. The owner grabbed his leash with two hands and pulled, but the Rott started slowly dragging him closer and closer.
"Hey man," he said. "You may want to put your dog in the car. I don't think I can hold him for too much longer. Wouldn't want anything to happen to your dog there." Either this guy was blind or just fucking blind because even though Cerberus was laying on his haunches, he still towered over this joker's animal. But the last thing I needed were these two dogs tearing each other to pieces. There was no way I was going to be able to step in and break it up, which meant that the fight wouldn't stop until one of them was dead.

Cerberus kept playing with his inner tube, watching the howling Rottweiler twist and pull as it tried to break away and attack him. The guy started to slide across the gravel. He tried to wrap the leash around his wrist but lost his balance and tripped. The Rott felt its leash go slack and shot out at Cerberus.

Cerberus stopped chewing and just sat there with the shredded tube dangling from his mouth, watching as a hundred plus pounds of feral Rottweiler came barreling at him. It jumped and then…

Thwump!

Cerberus had pinned its massive head underneath one of his paws and just held it to the ground. The Rott started making these face-saving growls and barks, but they soon melted into heart-wrenching yipping sounds while Cerberus resumed chewing on his inner tube. The man stood up in a hurry, saw what was happening to his dog and took a step forward but stopped when Cerberus dropped the tube and stood up, eyeing the man while keeping the Rottweiler pinned underneath him.

"Call him off, man, call him off!"

My phone rang. I snapped at Cerberus and put the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

"I have good news and bad news, Daniel." It was Sarah.

Cerberus lifted his paw and the Rottweiler bolted. Inked man took off after his dog while screaming back at me that he was going to sue me for not having Cerberus on a leash. "What's the good news?"

"Eunice isn't in Buenos Aires."

Cerberus walked over and licked my hand. I wrapped my arm around his neck and scratched him under his thick leather collar. The dog smelled like an old campfire. "And the bad?"

And then I heard it in her voice despite the fact that I wasn't a woman. Of course, it wasn't some subtle inflection or nearly imperceptible waver. No, the note of worry in her voice was bleating like a trumpet blast.

"She's in Terre Haute."